Resolutions can be divisive and I get that. I’m one of those admittedly annoying people that happens to love making a clear set of goals for myself at the start of each year. And while I won’t bore you with everything on my ’24 for ’24 List’ (some are as mundane as find a new dentist) I did want to share how I’m approaching them as a whole. Intentions and process rather than outcomes and shiny ‘afters’. As I look at the new year ahead I keep coming back to this phrase (from James Clear’s newsletter this week):
Think in decades, act in days.
When I consider the areas of my life where I’ve been met with any modicum of success thus far, it’s been because – without phrasing it as such – I’ve adopted this outlook.
– Career
– Personal Finances
– Health
– Relationships
All of it has been best served when I’ve had a long-term macro sense of where I wanted to be and then took small, measurable, daily actions in the interim towards those goals. I removed motivation and luck and divine intervention from the equation. It’s not fate that’s going to keep Adam and I together, or winning the lottery that’s going to stabilize my retirement, or some magic pill that’s going to help me stay in shape. It’s small acts, day by day.
In other, punchier, words: How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.
Case in point – I’ve got several goals this year that this applies to perfectly. How do I publish a book someday? I write 1,000 words a week. How do I maintain my current strength/fitness? I wake-up at 6:15AM and exercise before work everyday, I add mileage to my running routine, I continue to be mindful to what I eat and drink. How do Adam and I plan for our financial future while also making the most of our current place in life as child-free newlyweds? We keep an active working budget that we review weekly and make joint decisions on new purchases/experiences along with savings/investments. It feels, if not easy, then simple.
In reality, I’m sure there will be days when this approach feels hard rather than frictionless, and I’m not talking about a year of relentless self improvement, but I do think that this simple phrase is a great guiding light for me personally as I look forward to 2024.
I leave you with another phrase that gave me pause this week (it’s a week of motivational phrases – I’m not sorry!)
If it’s not: making me happier, making me money, making me better – I’m not doing it.
If I had to name the moment that this year changed from a slow ascent towards a rollercoaster’s summit into a free-wheeling ride filled with highs, lows and some fairly profound personal growth – I’d pin it all on May 13th. The night of the Taylor Swift Eras Tour in Philadelphia. Her ‘hometown’ show and the day I turned 36. Maybe some magic was released from seeing her perform the soundtrack to the last nearly two decades of my life, a song to match every crushing heartbreak and soaring love, every personal stumble and hard-fought success. Perhaps it was being back in Pennsylvania with my childhood best friend, who was there the night I turned 18 (another formidably memorable birthday) and now, having exactly doubled our age, was still there laughing and screaming by my side. Or the fact that Adam drove two hours each way just to chauffeur us safely to the stadium (if you find someone that exhibits this type of endless generosity, I suggest you marry them).
Was it something in the confrontation of these past selves that allowed me to let go of some of the weight they’d been carrying? I could be giving Taylor too much credit here.. but I doubt it. You try standing beside 70,000 (mostly) girls and screaming a 10 minute break-up song written 10 years ago and see if you’re not changed for the better.
When I go to recap the specifics there was the highlight reel that you all saw – the early spring getaway to Palm Springs, the walking marathon of NYC, Springsteen at Madison Square Garden with my Dad and Taylor (twice!) and lots of other smaller shows in between, the fun nights out in New York, the weekends at the lake, our wedding (!!!) and subsequent honeymoon in Paris and the South of France. Core memories created.
On the flip side, there are the parts that are harder to capture on Instagram. Work nearly ate me alive at several points this year. Within a 2 month span leading up to our wedding Adam and I both had a beloved grandparent die. My Mom was diagnosed with Breast Cancer last month (I’m not sure that I’ll talk about this much more here – but send good thoughts, will you?). At one point I was so stressed I developed a stomach ulcer and then a small hernia. And that’s just the stuff that feels black and white, nameable.
Internally, the year has felt even more monumental. Without giving it too much thought, I quietly started to let go of a lot of the beliefs I’d been holding about myself. Negative notions that I’d been grasping far too tightly for far too long without really realizing. Some are seismic: that I wasn’t ready to lead a department at work, that maybe I wasn’t really marriage material, that my body had changed in a permanent way, that certain people’s thoughts/opinions were always going to cause me to spiral. Some more nuanced: that I needed the particular food/drink I was giving to myself, that certain places in New York weren’t open to me, that I wasn’t good at baking (an echo from when some old forgotten boyfriend told me I wasn’t), that I couldn’t actually write a book. For a person who feels fairly confident in who I am, it was pretty astounding once I started to confront some of these. As it turns out, I could change.. just by deciding to! Just by releasing the white knuckle grip I’d had on it all.
And so we decided to get married. Our relationship feels largely unchanged but we had such a joy-filled marker of the past 13 years and look ahead to the next decades with a fresh optimism. I’m wholly happy with our decision to do it. I like being one half of ‘The Steeles’.
I radically changed my relationship with food and drink. Part of it started under doctor’s orders due to the stomach ulcer – and then it all sort of snowballed. If you had asked me a year ago if I could go a week without alcohol or Diet Coke (probably most clingingly, the latter) I would have hated to answer. But now – no big deal. Maybe I have a couple diet cokes a week. Maybe I have 1 cocktail. Maybe other people at the table are drinking them and I’m not. Sugary sweets feel like a treat, but no longer a real craving. I found an equilibrium to what my body actually needed. I also found new solace and resolve in my workouts and look forward to them (instead of feeling burdened by them) most days of the week – pushing myself further and regaining the runner’s form I felt sure I’d lost forever. I end this year having shed just shy of 20 pounds, meaning I’m back to weighing nearly the same as I did at 18. But radically stronger. And it’s not about that number – it’s about the fact that I feel free from having to eat/drink certain things to feel like I can make it through the day. That a dinner without carbs doesn’t feel like a punishment but an investment in my longterm health. It’s about the fact that I feel strong when I workout and no longer feel bloated half the time and that I sleep better. It’s about having back an energy that I haven’t had in a long time.
I stepped up at work and was challenged and rewarded by it. I started booking reservations at the restaurants I’d always wanted to try here in New York but always felt intimidated by. I resolved to stop letting a person in my life get a rise out of me with their outlook on life – it’s probably their problem, but it’s certainly no longer mine. I baked every dessert for my family’s Thanksgiving meal and they all turned out great. I’m excited to try new recipes. I have a few thousand words towards my novel with a plan for how I’ll continue writing this year.
I feel free and grounded in a way that I’m not sure I ever have. I feel no sense of longing for the single woman I once was, no shame for the specific body that carried me these past 5+ years, no contempt for the girl that would prefer to have a second, and then a third, drink, no burden by the negativity that someone else exudes. I just don’t need to hold it all anymore. In letting go, I gained so much this year. I’ll truly never forget 2023 – it’s unique highs and lows – and can’t wait to see what 2024 brings. I suspect there will be more joy, more challenges, more loss – and I feel better positioned to take it all.
Lastly, a sincere thank you to you all for being here – I felt bolstered by so many of you this year and I feel continually grateful for this small sliver of the internet. I hope that there were plenty of lessons and love in the past 365 days for you all. See you in the new year.
Can you believe we’re in the final throes of 2023? What a strange and wonderful and wild year. I’ll have a full recap coming later this week, but for now – let’s slow down and catch up. I’m on my last more working day of the year before some much needed time off and am so looking forward to a bit of self care/home care (hair appointments are booked, closets are waiting to be organized) plus a few fun plans thrown in here and there. Below – what else is on my mind, on my bookshelf and in my cart (holy sales!). Hope you’re all enjoying the holidays and are carving out some time for yourselves this week.
ON MY MIND:
We still haven’t made concrete NYE plans – but I’m leaning towards an early dinner out (so we have the chance to still dress up and feel the New York City buzz) and then home by 10ish to watch When Harry Met Sally (a NYE tradition of ours) and see the ball drop. In bed by 12:30PM. Sounds good to me?
I’ve had the itch to start a newsletter for years now as a way to collect ideas in a looser format than here on the blog – maybe 2024 will be the time? I’m loving following people on Substack lately, especially Joanna Goddard, Olivia Meunter and Becky Malinsky.
I’m getting the aforementioned, much needed, haircut tomorrow and I’m veryyy tempted to go full Jenny Walton – the ultimate in chic, no?
I can’t believe it’s taken me two months (a reflection of how hectic life has been) but I am finally going to see ‘Priscilla‘ tomorrow night. Since ‘The Virgin Suicides’ days, I’ve wanted nothing more than to live in a Sofia Coppola dream world.
Speaking of watching – we’ve been saving the following to get us through the dark nights of winter: Season 2 of The Gilded Age, the second half of The Crown final season, and the new season of The Great British Baking Show.
ON MY BOOKSHELF:
I can’t wait to have some time to really dive into books over my extended holiday weekend. My TBR stack has gotten a bit out of control and I generally feel a bit off balance when I’m not reading regularly – plus, as with every year, after indulging in a few back to back saccharine holiday rom-coms my brain is ready for something more literary. Here’s what’s in my stack:
I just picked up Madame de Pompadour by Nancy Mitford – a historical biography from 2001 on the infamous mistress of Louis XV. The non-fiction feels like a nice mental change of space and I’m loving being transported back to Versailles.
Continuing on the backlist train, I found a copy of Empire Falls by Richard Russo (from 2002, it won the Pulitzer that year) and can’t wait to dive in. I’ve heard the setting of this novel described as a literary Stars Hollow (of Gilmore Girls fame) and you know I was sold.
Okay a newer one: Happy Hour by Marlowe Granados – The New Yorker called this as refreshing as gin fizz and likened it to having ‘all the barbed charm of Nancy Mitford’ – who just so happened to write the Madame de Pompadour previously mentioned. I love bookish serendipity like this! It’s a debut novel about a young ingenue moving to New York City in the pursuit of pleasure – didn’t we all?
If my library hold ever comes in, I’ll be able to start my next pick for book club: Go As A River by Shelley Read. A coming of age story set in Colorado, this has been billed as good for fans of Where the Crawdads Sing.
SHOP BOOKS:
IN MY CART:
So. many. sales. I plan to do a big closet clean-out later this week and donate a bunch of things that no longer align with my style, don’t fit or just aren’t getting worn for one reason or another. That way I’ll be able to better see what gaps I might need filled in my wardrobe. My approach to the sales to this time of year is to stock up on basics, fill wardrobe gaps and snag pieces from great, quality brands that at full price might be just outside of my price range. Here’s what I’m eyeing and have already been buying:
I have a similar pair of these Talbots shearling boots from a past season, but if I didn’t I’d 100% be grabbing these! So cozy and would be cute with jeans, leggings or even skirt and tights. They’re an extra 40% off right now + 20% off on top of that today! And if you don’t already own them – my favorite wide leg trousers are on sale too! Same goes for this faux leather blazer. Thank me later.
I’ve been watching Charleston based boutique Hampden Clothing for ages now – even more so after a colleague of mine moved back to South Carolina and took on an art director role there. They sell so many amazing designer brands mixed in with smaller labels that are new to me. They generously let me take a crack at their End of Season Sale section and I made out like a bandit – I can’t wait for this denim jumpsuit, these chocolate suede pumps and this suede mini skirt to arrive. All an extra 20% off right now!
Alex Mill is having a rare sale right now and I’m eyeing this corduroy vest. Grandpa-core is trending in case you haven’t heard.
Have you heard of Frances Valentine? It’s like the older sister to Kate Spade – same wit, but a little less sweet and a little more classic. I’ve long admired their bags and, at an extra 30% off the sale price, might finally grab this wool plaid one to add a pop of color against solid color coats this season.
Reformation is having a pretty killed End of Season Sale and stock is going fast. I grabbed this fitted cashmere cardigan (size up if you’re tall as it’s a bit cropped), this leopard print mini dress (just waiting for winter date nights) and these fun plaid pants to add a bit of spice to my winter wardrobe doldrums.
Shopbop has an extra 30% off sale styles too – I have this dress in a gold metallic knit but I love the slate grey/blue for a more dressed down vibe. Would be great for a warm weather escape this winter – and that price! A nice belt has been on my wishlist too and I love the look of this one – classic and not too logo-heavy.
I stopped doing traditional gift guides a few years back – I just felt like I was adding noise to an already very crowded space – but I’ve been doing these (very much just for fun) personal holiday wishlist posts for the past 4 years and like the little tradition of them. As ever, I don’t need a single thing this holiday season. We had a big year and I’m looking forward to a cozy and fairly quiet holiday season. But in case I want to treat myself to a little year end gift, or if anyone our there is looking for a hint.. here’s what I wouldn’t hate finding under my tree.
P.S. Here are my lists from 2022, 2021 and 2020. These feel fun to look back on!
SHOP THE POST:
Pajama Set:I’m a long sleeves + shorts pajama set kind of girl, which can be tricky to find. While these are technically a holiday print, I think they definitely could be worn all winter and the print reminds me a bit of the fabrics I saw when visiting Petit Trianon last spring (Marie Antoinette’s famed getaway from the main palaces at Versailles).
Croissant Ring: My Mom has had a “croissant ring” since I was little and I’ve always admired it. She surprised me with it as my “something borrowed” for my wedding/honeymoon and I took it to Paris. I’ve since returned it to her but would love my own to cherish.
Clean Lipstick: After trying several new Merit Beauty products this fall I’m officially a devotee. I want to try their lipstick next in this orange-y red.
Patent Mary Janes: From what is quickly becoming one of my favorite shoe brands – these patent leather mary-janes would go with so many things in my closet. They’ve sold-out multiple times so I’m currently on a waitlist, but when I can I’ll probably grab them. If you want to try the brand for yourself, code: thesteelemaiden15 gets you 15% off.
Carolyn Bessette-Kennedy Book: I’ve been enthralled with the Kennedy family since I was about 13 years old and read plenty of biographies, but – aside from admiring her personal style – have never delved too much into Carolyn Bessette. This coffee table book with focus on her life through fashion feels like the perfect place to start.
Crystal Hoops: I’m always on the lookout for earrings that can be dressed up or down and I love the look of these chubby little hoops with assorted crystals – they’re a steal too!
Paris Mug:I started collecting these holiday travel mugs from Anthropologie a few years ago and wanted to pick up this Paris one this year to remind me of our honeymoon – when lo and behold, a dear old friend surprised me with it in the mail! Christmas serendipity!
Depuffing Mask: I have heard multiple internet beauty gurus declare their love for this depuffing mask from Clairins and I’m feeling compelled to try for days when we might take photos or for the occasional late nights that are followed by early mornings.
Bucket Bag: I’ve long admired Mansur Gavriel’s “quiet luxury” take on handbags and these mini bucket bags feel especially timeless to me. The olive green is on sale and feels like it would match with lots in my winter wardrobe.
Mixed Plaid Vest: I’m really trying to save my pennies lately and resist most new fashion purchases, but if I do splurge on one item for myself before the end of the year it will likely be this mixed plaid vest which I think I’d end up wearing a million ways.
Just Married Ornament:I admittedly already bought this for Adam as a stocking stuffer, but then it arrived and I couldn’t wait – so I gave it to him tonight so it could be the first ornament on our tree this year! Would make a cute gift for a fellow newlywed in your life.
Ritz Paris Baseball Cap: This hat is sort of a splurge as far as baseball caps go, but doesn’t it just scream Princess Diana with an oversized sweatshirt and sneakers running errands on the weekends? So chic. Plus the Ritz holds a pretty special place in my heart after visiting Bar Hemingway there on our past two trips to Paris.
Metal Rim Prescription Sunglasses: This will seem painfully obvious to glasses-wearers but I got a pair of prescription sunglasses a few years ago and they changed my life. I’m never outside without them – which is why you seen them in.. all of my photos. I can’t see distance without them. I’d love to get another pair to add to the rotation this year.
Cream Eyeshadow Crayons: These look fun for adding a little color and shine to eyes. Am I becoming a make-up girly now? I don’t know. But these seem impossible to mess up.
Carry-On Duffel: I desperately need a new overnight duffel bag/carry-on personal item. This sizing looks just right and I had a back-up from this brand that I wore to shreds over the course of about 6 years, so I know the quality will last.
When we last left off in the Wedding Diary: Part One – Adam had just left our suite to get ready for the evening separately. My sister arrived, champagne, silk pajamas, hair and make-up tools in tow. We put on a ‘getting ready’ playlist and spent the next hour or so getting ourselves ready for the night ahead. My parents stopped by from down the hall to say hi, my two best friends from college came by and did their own hair and make-up there too before heading off to the venue – it was a revolving door of some of the people I love most. It was a fun period of the day but also in the moment, I was feeling the most stressed. The weather was tenuous at best and we’d just asked 30 of our closest family and friends to come to New York City and wait for us on a rooftop.
The vendors had begun to deliver things, the tables were being set.. really there was no turning back. Suddenly it was 5:00 PM – everyone was heading to the cocktail hour and Leandra, our incredible photographer was coming back to the Ludlow to capture a first look. For the first time since 7:00 AM, I was alone in the room, in my dress. Adam was 3 doors down the hall. Later we recounted that we’d both stood at the window, looking out over downtown and watched it begin to rain. And then we took a few deep breaths and came to meet each other.
Me, in a very simple silk slip dress – found for half price this summer from Reformation and hemmed at my local tailor, vintage paste stone earrings from Alexis Bittar (where I work) and a more walkable block heel sandal with just a touch of sparkle from Loeffler Randall – all brands that I wear and love regularly so I felt completely at ease in them. My hair let down from the morning’s bun to fall in retro waves and parted to the side. Lips bright red in Ruby Woo – the lipstick I wore constantly when I first moved to New York. An ivory mohair cardigan from French brand Sezane to drape over my shoulders in the chilly evening air. The inspiration was Carolyn Bessette at her wedding to JFK Jr. – a simple, timeless elegance + a touch of old hollywood glamour. Adam, in a silk tie neck shirt, wrapped twice, and a double breasted jacquard vest, vintage trousers and black patent loafers.
We were together, come what may. We had a few quiet moments to ourselves and then we were off, into a cab headed from the Lower East Side to Nolita – just as the rain began to stop again.
As we were making our way to the venue, our 30 guests were huddled inside – the bartender passing drinks down the staircase for a banded together makeshift happy hour that everyone was looking back on and laughing about already by the time we arrived. If you look closely you’ll see the place settings still upside down from when they set the tables only to have it start raining. Chairs wiped down before we got there and tablecloths and settings that were miraculously dry enough for us to sit less than 2 hours later.
My Dad met Adam and I downstairs, and then we were in the tiny stairwell leading up to the roof. My best friend Claire, who had spent months helping me expertly craft our wedding playlist and was so generously willing to hit ‘play’ was waiting at the top of the stairs and it was so nice seeing her first. Her being the one to give us our cue to walk.
What I remember: the opening chords of the Beach Boys’ ‘Don’t Worry Baby’ (the song we’d picked for him to walk out to) coming over the speakers, Adam turning the corner and hearing the tiny crowd erupt in cheers. My Dad giving me a steadying look, picking up the hem of my dress to keep it from touching the somewhat wet steps, the feel of his new wool suit against my bare arm. Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Secret Garden’ starting to play, how we made the turn out to the roof just as the music started to swell. How even with just 30 people I felt like I couldn’t quite meet anyone’s eyes until we made the turn and my childhood best friend Joanna came into focus, Adam beside her.
In a happy accident the microphones had been ruined in the earlier rain and so we could exchange our vows to one another quietly. We took our first dance to Smokey Robinson & The Miracles’ ‘You’ve Really Got a Hold On Me’ – a song that reminded us of the early days when we’d first met, both of us swearing we weren’t going to be together but finding it impossible to resist.
And then, as the lights began to go up in the city around us, string lights sparkling, we were free to breath. We greeted our guests, were handed drinks (a French75 for me, a Manhattan for Adam – our signature cocktails for the night) and wandered around the rooftop – never much more than an arm’s length away from one another. We’d pause and listen to a particular snippet of a song we love – mouthing the words to one another.
Every single guest had traveled to be there that night. Most from Pennsylvania but a few from further and it meant to world to have our 30 closest friends and family in this city where we’ve built a life together. My sister and Adam both gave a short toast, we sipped good champagne and then we served dinner from Rosemary’s – one of our favorite local restaurants. I’ve honestly never had a memorable meal at a wedding and so we thought – why try to cater steak? We could just serve great pasta from one of our favorite local restaurants and then whenever we feel like it, we can have the same meal we ate at our wedding.
Keeping in the spirit of sourcing things locally – we had a small lemon curd and olive oil cake made by From Lucie – a French bakery in the East Village (same thing, we can eat our wedding cake on every anniversary if we’d like) and trays of cookies from Bedford Cheese Shop that did our appetizer plates as well – they’re right around the corner from us in Gramercy.
We served coffee in classic NY blue paper coffee cups. I danced with my Dad to Sam Cooke’s ‘Nothing Can Change This Love’. The rest of us swept the dance floor. We played Amy Winehouse’s ‘Valerie’ for my dear friend from college Val as she twirled around. My cousin’s wife Raquel, whom I adore, hooted and hollered – a true country girl in NYC. One of our oldest friends Dave came around with a tray of tequila shots – no idea how he procured it. It was spectacular.
We laughed and danced and then.. like clockwork, it started to rain just as the party was meant to wrap up. We ran for cover downstairs. I changed into a white party dress from Staud and silver platform heels and a handful of us were off to the after party. Final finals (and then some) at The Flower Shop in the Lower East Side. It was a rain soaked blur of a late night adventure until finally I looked over at Adam and said.. let’s go home.
It wasn’t perfect.. nothing is. But it was really and truly ours. And if I had to do it again – aside from maybe getting a really beautiful sunset as our backdrop – I wouldn’t change a thing.
