A friend once recounted to me that, while on a date, a man had asked her if she considered herself to be a “host” or a “guest” in life – inferring that everyone fell into one of these two categories. She deemed herself a host (she owns her own small business, has organized countless community gatherings.. a definitive host). Without hesitation I knew myself to be a guest. I love getting an invite and, some level of social anxiety aside, am usually game to go. However, initiating the plans and gathering the guests has always fallen just outside my purview. Could it be a younger sibling thing? My sister has been generously allowing me to tag along with her for 3 decades (she’s another natural host), and so perhaps that’s just still what feels most comfortable. Or it could be as simple as introverts vs. extroverts – some of us feel at peace in a corner chair, getting to duck out early while others are fueled by the orchestration of an event.
I don’t think one is necessarily more noble than the other – a party needs both, right? Every enigmatic host is in want of a gracious guest. But ever since she (or really an unknown he) posed the question, I’ve been wondering if it wouldn’t kill me to play the host a bit more in life. Be the one that reaches out to initiate plans with a friend or family member. Propose, with concrete details, a time and place. Give the hosts a break.. they might be secretly craving it.
For the past few months I’ve been working on this – and I have to say, it’s not as scary as I’d made it out to be. I saw a new play had opened and immediately asked a friend to go. We’re getting tickets for December. Adam and I suddenly had a free weekend with clear weather – I invited my parents to the city and booked us a boat tour around lower Manhattan. The more often I find myself doing it, the less pressure there seems to be to organize some perfect outing. It’s starting to feel like simply another muscle to be flexed. And as a lifelong guest, I know exactly how nice it feels to have someone reach out with an invite. Turns out, it’s equally nice to give that feeling to someone else.
It’s an interesting question to consider as we head into a week where so many of us will succumb to one of these two roles. You, like me, might want to consider putting the shoe on the other foot this holiday season.