OUR RELATIONSHIP 10 COMMANDMENTS

The Steele Maiden: Advice for Couples - Our Relationship 10 Commandments

I was determined to share more personal stories on the blog this year and you all agreed that relationship tidbits were something you’d like to see. So, in the spirit of Valentine’s Day (hello lovers!) I wanted to share Adam and I’s Relationship 10 Commandments. I first heard of this idea on a podcast I listen to faithfully (Happier with Gretchen Rubin) and loved it so much. I had never written these out before, but when it came time to think of what the 10 ‘pillars’ of our relationship were – these came very easily. I don’t like to think about them as rules, more like lanes on a road. We’re racing along best when we’re keeping it steady between these 10 guidelines.

I can’t stress enough that Adam and I in no way think we have a perfect relationship. And what works for us, could be all wrong for others. Also, several of these were completely stolen from other couples that we admire or bits of wisdom we’ve heard throughout life and applied to our own relationship. But regardless, it’s a fun exercise I thought I’d share. And if you try it too (you could make one of your relationship, your family or just yourself) I want to hear what makes your list! Without further ado…

OUR RELATIONSHIP 10 COMMANDMENTS:

  1. ROOT FOR THE HOME TEAM – from the very beginning, we decided it was us against the world. We’re a team of two, trying to figure out a way to win in this crazy game of life. If I do something great I want to look back and see Adam cheering, and if he falters I want to be on the sidelines yelling ‘you got this!’.
  2. LIVE IN AN ENVIRONMENT OF GROWTH – No relationship is perfect. Ours certainly isn’t. But if we’re always trying to make it better and trying to grow together, that means more to me than some idyllic version of #couplegoals.
  3. TALK TO ME – honestly, communication (as it pertains to a relationship) isn’t either of our strong suits. But we both agree that communication is really crucial to a solid relationship. So it’s something we work on and remind ourselves of all the time.
  4. SIGNATURE MOVE – A sense of routine and pattern of habits has always been super important to me. Adam has always winked at me from across crowded rooms and keeps his hand on my hip-bone until I fall asleep at night. I always link my arm through his elbow when we walk on the street. It’s a constant physical reminder that the other person is there.
  5. ACCEPT THE WHITE FLAG – if we’re in one of those silly, bickering moments and the other person tries to break the mood (with a joke, a hug.. a white flag if you will), let them. Unless it’s some sort of major fight that you really need to work through, accept the attempt at apology and move on. Life’s too short to spend it pouting.
  6. FRESH EYES – A lifetime is well, a long time. And I think all too often people settle in to thinking they know every single story the other person has ever told or thought the other person has ever had. I try to actively learn new things about Adam, share new things with him and generally look at him with fresh eyes.
  7. SUNRISE/SUNSET – We try to start the day together and end it together. That means if I have to stay up late to do work, Adam stays up too. While we’re at it, we kiss good morning just like we kiss goodnight. The world can take you in a million different directions throughout the day – but at least we know we begin and end it together.
  8. PAY IT FORWARD – The whole ‘I did the dishes so you should do the laundry’ life sounds exhausting to me. Just carry your weight. I like to think we’re both good about not keeping score. My Dad always told me ‘relationships are give and take’ and I think some years you’ve got to give more and some years you’ll need to take more. If you’re with someone that’s willing to do the same, it all comes out in the wash.
  9. OLD DOG, NEW TRICKS – You know the saying. People can definitely evolve over time, but I think at our core we are who we are so it’s best to come to terms with that. I’m damn stubborn and Adam is slow to adopt new ideas. I suspect that when we’re 80 we’ll still be that way so best to find a way to love those aspects of each other now.
  10. TAKE YOUR MEDICINE – I read once that couples can get common colds (your little passing everyday fights that cure quickly) or cancer (the incurable, killer kind of differences). But that most couples have, well, diabetes. A disagreement or issue that you will carry for a lifetime but that – if kept in check and treated regularly – is not really a big deal and you can still go on to live a fully happy life. Maybe you have differing political views or one of you has a tendency to be a workaholic or struggles with anxiety. Not deal breakers, but you need to recognize the diabetes, communicate (hello #3) and be sure that you’re treating the issue. We have our flare ups but we typically can see them coming and take our medicine so to speak. 

The Steele Maiden: Advice for Couples - Our Relationship 10 Commandments

THE STEELE MAIDEN BOOK CLUB: CHAPTER ONE

The Steele Maiden Book Club: January 2018 Reads

Reading has always been such a huge part of my life that it’s funny to me I’ve never really discussed books here on the blog. My Mom worked at a library up until I went to Kindergarten and my parents like to joke that I could organize a card catalogue before most kids even knew how to read. When I first moved to New York in my early 20s, I founded a book club and have missed it ever since it ended. I used to devour a handful of books every month, but between this blog and my full time career – it became harder and harder to find the time to read.

This year, I’m determined to change that and it seems like you’re all interested in the idea too. So I bring you – the first month/chapter of The Steele Maiden Book Club. Each month, I’ll be sharing my thoughts on the books I’ve read in the previous month and then selecting a couple of books for the next month to come, in the case that any of you want to jump in and read along with me!

THEFT BY FINDING by David Sedaris:

Sedaris is one of my all-time favorite authors. Painfully funny in his no frills approach to both writing and life. Theft by Finding is a chronological collection of his real diary entries over the past 40 years. Honest, hilarious, and beautiful even in its banality – there’s something incredibly brave about sharing so much even when it seems unimportant to the greater scope of his life. I also love that because these don’t have an overall narrative you can pick it up and put it down like a collection of short stories. And a reminder, that if you want to be really great at something (be it writing or anything else)… practice it almost every day for decades.

MODERN LOVERS by Emma Straub:

Eh. To be fair this book was exactly what I was expecting so I wouldn’t say I was disappointed, but maybe just not blown away. Set in modern day Brooklyn the story follows two main couples now in their 40s (who met in college) and their now high-school aged children. A multi-generational story that touches on coming of age, navigating relationships and coming to terms with your life choices as you grow older. An overall pleasant read, I’m just not sure that I ever felt very invested in any of the characters. But for a beach vacation or rainy weekend where you want to plow through a book over the course of a few days and not have to overthink it – this would be a good option.

LITTLE FIRES EVERYWHERE by Celeste Ng:

I read Ng’s debut novel Everything I Never Told You in a single weekend last Summer so I couldn’t wait to pick this one up. Little Fires Everywhere was maybe even better (and that’s saying something). Set in Shaker Heights, Ohio in the 90s the story weaves together two families with very different dynamics and backgrounds. And just like her first novel, shows you just how much we often still don’t know about the very people closest to us. Each character is so beautifully written that you find yourself having a hard time deciding who’s side you’re on as the plot twists and turns. Without giving any more away – suffice to say I can’t recommend this one enough.

SHOP THIS MONTH’S BOOK CLUB:

Next month, I’m diving into Z: A Novel of Zelda Fitzgerald (after binging the Amazon series ‘Z: The Beginning of Everything’ starring Christina Ricci about the early days of Zelda and Scott Fitzgerald – which I lovedddd) and You’ll Grow Out of It (recommended by a friend who just so happened to be one of the members of my old IRL book club). It’s a short month, so I’m sticking to just those two. Have other suggestions? Drop me a line or comment here.

SHOP NEXT MONTH’S BOOK CLUB:

WHAT IT REALLY COSTS TO LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY

The Steele Maiden: How Much it Really Costs to Live in New York City

When I asked what you all wanted to hear more of about New York your answer was a resounding ‘your everyday life!‘. And so I figured to begin, I’d go ahead and address the (expensive) elephant in the room. How much does it really cost to live in New York City?

I can’t tell you how many times Adam and I have been in a social setting outside of NYC and had someone has hinted, with wide eyes, at how much it must cost us to live in this city. Or even flat out asked us how much we pay for rent (side note: unless I’m offering up that info or in turn you’d like to tell me how much your mortgage costs.. this question can be skipped) But nevertheless, I get it – this city is one of the most expensive places to live in the entire country (San Francisco actually takes top prize) so it stands to reason that people are curious about just how much we pay and more-so why anyone would want to pay for it?!?

I have two things to say about that. One – it’s expensive to live here so you better damn well love it. If you’re paying an arm and a leg in rent and spending all your time complaining about it.. then leave. There’s some kid in small town Illinois who would kill to take your spot. I dreamed of living here since I was a pre-teen and almost 9 years after first moving here I still think the sun rises and sets with this city. It’s what routinely softens the blow of the expense of it all. And secondly – if you really want it, be willing to make sacrifices. There were times when I was 22 and broke, living in a studio apartment, working two jobs, eating cheese quesadillas for dinner and selling clothes at Buffalo Exchange just to make my rent each month. It never made me want to leave, it just made me want to work harder. Back to point number one. Get it?

The Steele Maiden: How Much it Really Costs to Live in New York City

So here it is – a realistic look at what New York City costs me. To note: this is specific to me – you can live for a lot less (and I have) and you can obviously live a lot more extravagantly (looking at you Beyoncé). But I think for an average person in their 20s/30s without kids, this is a fairly good average.

Rent: Ouch. Here’s the big one. I live in a one-bedroom, walk-up (meaning no elevator.. or dishwasher.. or laundry…) building in the East Village. Average rent for an older apartment like ours downtown will set you back anywhere from $2,250-$2,750 a month. Because I’ve got a roommate that I share that one bedroom with, I luck out a bit as opposed to having to cough up the money for a bedroom all to myself. And if you head uptown or to Brooklyn you can easily get yourself some better amenities or more space for that same money. Or of course you can jump up to the $2,800-$3,300 range and secure a balcony or a walk in closet. I love our current neighborhood and the fact that we are within walking distance to most of downtown Manhattan and my office – but as we look for new apartments I’ll be sharing what we find and where we end up!

The Steele Maiden: How Much it Really Costs to Live in New York City

Transportation: Here’s the great thing – you can ride anywhere you want in this city for $2.75 on the subway or bus (a monthly pass for unlimited rides is $121). You can catch a a crosstown cab for around $15 with tip or buddy up and take an Uber Pool double the distance for just $5.

Because of that East Village apartment, I am lucky enough to walk to work so I personally spend about $30 a month on transportation (a handful of subway rides and maybe a cab or two) which is a considerable savings if you compare what a monthly car payment, insurance and gas cost you out in the suburbs. Adam actually does drive to work in New Jersey so he’s got $5 a day in tolls and gas, but his car is paid off and we park for free on the street.

Food & Drink: Admittedly, a big portion of my money after rent and regular monthly bills seems to go towards food and drink. The great thing about this city though is that you can eat and drink on a dime and still get something great. Or you can reallyyyy #treatyoself and splurge.

An average cocktail is $14 (more if you’re paying for a rooftop view or a hotspot ambience) but you can also find $5 beer and $1 oysters at a great happy hour like the one at Mermaid Inn. Same goes for food – an average dinner for 2 at say, a delicious Italian spot in our neighborhood will run you about $75 before tip (appetizer, two glasses of wine and two entrees), but the $17 large pizza we get in our neighborhood is damn good too. Top dollar steaks or hole in the wall ramen that will knock your socks off. You choose here.

I’ve found grocery store costs to be slightly higher but if you make use of Trader Joes, local farmer’s market and small grocers I’d say these costs can end up being comparable to elsewhere in the country. Except for cereal which is inexplicably almost $7 a box in Manhattan. Why, New York, why?

The Extras: You can easily get a huge armload full of beautiful fresh flowers at any corner bodega for less than $20. But in a good neighborhood a soy chai latte will set you back $6 from Starbucks. Views from the Top of the Rock cost $34 but entry to the Met Museum is technically a donation (so if you can only pay $1 they’ll still let you in). Tickets to see a late night show like Jimmy Fallon are completely free as long as you can grab a spot when the seat lottery opens up and there are major deals on same day tickets for Broadway shows if you wait in line in Time Square. This city has a million things to offer. It’s all about finding which of it falls within your budget – and then getting creative for the rest.

The Steele Maiden: How Much it Really Costs to Live in New York City

 

 

 

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8 ITEMS THAT WILL CHANGE YOUR LIFE IN 2018

The Steele Maiden: 8 Items that will change you life in 2018

I give you – 8 items that will change your life in 2018. Okay, okay – so ‘change you life’ may be a bit dramatic. But I honestly think they all changed mine for the better. And I really believe in surrounding yourself with things that simplify and streamline your life whenever possible and these items do just that. In the chance that you may not be familiar with all of these, I wanted to share. Here’s to living our best lives in 2018.

  1. Tripod & Timer – Even if you’re not a blogger, I can’t tell you how many times we’ve tried to get group shots at family gatherings or a quick snap of Adam and I when we’re traveling and this would have come in handy.
  2. Google Home – I’m not a huge tech person and never gave the term ‘smart home’ much of a thought. Until we were sent a Google Home to try. For the simple fact alone that I can ask it the current weather every morning before I walk to work and tell it to turn on the TV and play a specific show on Netflix – it’s worth having to me.
  3. Quip Toothbrush – I hate the look of regular, neon plastic toothbrushes in our otherwise, neutral bathroom but had never considered going electric. My friends at Azione PR sent me this Quip Toothbrush to try and not only does it look SO much better sitting in my bathroom – but it’s quite honestly the cleanest my teeth have ever felt without going to the dentist. Which is kind of startling. Safe to say I actually look forward to my twice daily brushing now.
  4. The Four Tendencies by Gretchen Rubin – If you only get one thing from this list – get this. Gretchin Rubin is the best-selling author of The Happiness Project which I read nearly 10 years ago and also has a podcast called ‘Happier’ that I highly recommend. But it’s her personality theory called ‘The Four Tendencies’ that changed my life. Basically everyone falls into one of four categories (I’m a classic Upholder while Adam is a by the book Questioner) and once you understand that it makes it SO much easier to understand yourself and those you have close relationships with (boyfriend, boss, etc.) and improve those relationships. For example – I no longer feel frustrated when Adam isn’t quick to make a decision. As a questioner he is just naturally inclined to weigh all of the options SO thoroughly until he finally feels like he’s come to the very best choice (true story: he once spent nearly 2 hours on Yelp trying to find a place to eat in a small town that only had about 10 total options). But it’s who he is as a questioner. So it honestly no longer bothers me at all. In fact, I now find it actually endearing because I recognize it as something that feels innately Adam. Just think if you could do that with everyone in your life?!
  5. Travel Steamer – Another game changer. This steamer has zero bells or whistles but it gets the job done every time. I’ve stopped using an iron all together at home and absolutely never travel without this (it’s also dual voltage so will work abroad). There’s nothing worse to me than a wrinkled dress or sweater that just screams ‘this has been stuffed in my suitcase all day!’.
  6. Dagne Dover Neoprene Backpack – I got this at the end of last year and am so surprised by how often I’ve ended up using it. Dagne Dover is a brand I’ve loved for a few years now – their simple, classic bags are so thoughtfully organized on the inside (think slots for phone and lipstick, an extended clip for your keys so you never have to dig through the bottom of your bag again..). This neoprene backpack comes with me as a carry-on, overnight bag, gym bag and even to work when I need to pack a load like my lunch, laptop and a change of shoes.
  7. Phone Grip/Stand – This is the one I don’t have yet but am dying to get! These little knobs stick on to the back of your phone and gives you something more to hang on to than the slippery edges of a phone and also work as a stand to prop your phone on the table if you’re watching a video or filming a hands-free IG story.
  8. Tile App – Adam got me this for Christmas (most likely after seeing me struggle to find my keys/phone/wallet in the apartment one too many mornings). It’s an app and corresponding chip that you can attach to your keys, stick in your wallet and sync with your phone so you never lose a thing.

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GOALS FOR 2018

The Steele Maiden: Goals for 2018

I think resolutions get a bad rap sometimes. While I don’t really believe in sweeping notions like ‘lose 20 pounds this year and save $20,000’ I do believe in thinking about the year ahead with intent. Below, my own personal goals for 2018 and the strategic ways in which I plan to implement them. I think setting clear, actionable strategies is the step that often gets forgotten and because of it, the resolutions themselves end up being faint memories by about February. I am planning on sharing a bit on each of these throughout the year, hopefully it encourages you all to help turn your own big dreams into a reality this year!

PRIORITIZE RELATIONSHIPS:

  • I spend a considerable amount of my time (honestly probably like 75%) working. I have a demanding full time job, manage this blog and do freelance writing. It’s a lot. And I often allow myself to be consumed by it. This year I want to be sure that I’m creating more of a balance and prioritizing my relationships (Adam, friends and family).
  • Adam and I used to have Wednesday date nights, to ensure that at least one night a week I wasn’t working and we were spending quality time together. I want to reinstate those asap.
  • I want to better schedule my work so that I’m opening up my schedule. This means sticking to a calendar when it comes to freelance and blog work instead of squeezing that work into every free moment.
  • Be better about asking friends and family to spend time together. I often get so caught up in work that I forget to suggest plans and hope that others will do the leg work. I’d like to change that.

ALLOW TIME FOR LEISURE:

  • Which leads me to my next goal – allowing time for leisure. It sounds silly but I really don’t ever let myself have down time. And that’s reached a point where it feels unhealthy.
  • Give in to the urge to do nothing on occasion – whether that means a face mask and a nap or a movie marathon on the couch. I need to give myself permission to slow down and relax without guilt.
  • Practicing my French and playing the piano are two hobbies that I really wanted to do in 2017 and while I from time to time used the Babbel app for French lessons, I never did get around to finding a keyboard I could practice playing in our apartment. These feel like they would really be revitalizing to me though and so this year I’m determined to readjust and carve out the time to do things that I enjoy just for the fun of it.

FIND WAYS TO BE CHARITABLE:

  • 2017 served up major reasons to donate to immediate causes (Planned Parenthood funding, hurricane relief), but in 2018 I want to find more routine ways to give back.
  • Ideas so far are a monthly charity that I contribute towards, donating gently used clothes/accessories and unused beauty products to local women’s shelters and volunteering my time to Girls on the Run (an organization that teaches young, underprivileged girls to run a 5k to help build confidence).

COMMIT TO HEALTH:

  • Return to my daily morning workouts – I feel noticeably less stressed and more balanced when I’m starting each workday with a trip to the gym.
  • Drink less diet coke, more water. This seems obvious.. but alas.
  • Go to the doctors – I’m embarrassed by how long it’s been since I’ve been to a dentist or eye doctor and that needs to change asap.
  • Set a bedtime – I think setting an alarm (just like I do to wake-up) that signals when I should be starting my bedtime routine would help. I find myself often getting caught up in blog work at night and before I know it, it’s 11:30PM and I’m exhausted the next day.

THINK BIG FOR THE STEELE MAIDEN:

  • This is a big one. For the past few years, while I’ve committed a lot of time and effort to The Steele Maiden, I haven’t done much strategic thinking about the direction I’d like to take it in the future and how I want to grow. This is the year I’ll be changing that.
  • I plan to introduce more personal posts this year and offer more practical advice on things like career and relationships.
  • Introducing video in 2018! I’ll admit, this one scares me as I don’t feel particularly comfortable in front of the camera (I honestly feel silly even talking directly to Instagram stories) – but it’s good to do things that scare you. I’m planning on sharing hair & beauty and travel videos to start.
  • As always, I want this to serve as a place to inspire you to have your own stylish adventures – and if there’s something you’d like to see more (or less) of in 2018 please let me know!